Have a Merry Christmas

Next week we are off to spend our first Christmas in the new home of our youngest daughter and family in Oregon. It will also be our first Christmas back since we moved from that beautiful state seven years ago. While we will miss our eldest daughter and family in California, I am looking forward to the trip. What a great way to end a fairly lousy year.... what with diagnosis, treatment, surgery, unemployment and all that goes with, it has been a struggle.  I doubt this struggle will end anytime soon, but the love and support of family and friends lets me know I am not walking this road alone. Thank you all.  This experience has also humbled me in so many ways. Life holds miracles everyday that I never saw nor appreciated before I had cancer.  To my friends, thank you from my heart for having the staying power to remain by my side... I need you and am so grateful to you. For family, I am so blessed it is overwhelming sometimes to feel such love...for prayer groups, I am eternally thankful for your help in sending prayers to our Lord who receives them, considers them, and acts upon them as He has determined is the best course for me to take. Thank you all for being my light at the end of the proverbial dark tunnel.  May your Christmas be warm and lovely and may your new year be blessed with a better circumstance. Be happy, remain healthy and may we all continue to pursue only Positive Pursuits. God Bless.

Life Can Be as Difficult as Death

The assessment I arranged at the Cancer Center of America has been postponed. It is odd but while I am the one living with cancer, I forget that my family lives with it also.  For me, therein lies a problem. I am a superstar when it comes to being a positive force, as are our two daughters, my sister and my father. But the one I have loved for thirty nine years is my pessimist, the man who worries, the man who carries fear in his heart and the man who is not willing to accept that he may have to live the remainder of his life without me. We have experienced an emotional breakdown, not mine, his. Most of that is caused by presumption, not fact.... he was worried sick (literally) that my enthusiasm regarding the Cancer Center assessment was a green light affirming my desire to leap into some treatments they offer that could put me at risk. He felt, that whether we believe the medical providers statement that I have maybe three or four years to live, or not, my beloved would rather have me for those years, feeling good and living pretty normally sans chemotherapy and labs than to risk a procedure that might cure or might kill.  He does not want me to take risks.... yet for me, healing is a leap of faith.... a risk. I assured him I would never consent to a treatment or surgery without weighing those risks and he would have an opportunity to participate in that decision.... so, for now..... I will not rock the boat, for now.  There may, however, come a day when my decision regarding my life does not conform to his and when that day comes.... God help us please.  I do not wish to hurt my husband or family, I do not wish to die in three years nor will I even remotely visit that edict, yet I will not go kicking when it's face becomes inevitable as I have faith that the Lord's decision is a good one.  But I will do what I have to do to stay positive, I cannot live with a negative force even if I love him. So he is going to have to change. For all that I love  him, my life does not depend on him.... it is enhanced by him.  Why does his life depend on me? This is a burden I had hoped to avoid... I do not need the guilt and I cannot go there. I remain open to seeking information that may benefit my condition, I am a seeker of a cure even if there is not one evident today, I am a believer in the power of God. I will survive this through only Positive Pursuits and by the Grace of God.

Always Looking

It has been nearly two months that I have been off chemotherapy. Not because I am cured, just needed some time to be normal and allow my body to gear up for the next year of chemo treatments. It is disconcerning sometimes that I will be on chemo drugs forever, unless something miraculous occurs, but I am willing to accept that for now.

My daughters, however, are not. They are constantly seeking treatment options, alternative treatments, cures, etc..... so, with their prompt, I am scheduled for an in depth assessment via the Cancer Center of America. I will meet with this facility on Tuesday, Dec. 7th to start the 4-6 day assessment. I am open minded about the whole thing. The center is supposed to be geared to developing treatment that is unique to me... and frankly, I have been looking for that sense of personalization for some time.

So wish me luck. If they offer something more in the way of treatment besides pallative care, my husband and I will move to the west side of Phoenix to be closer. If not, we will move anyway due to economics, but remain on the east side which has been our preference. We shall see.

In the meantime, I feel great, look great, and am actively seeking part time employment to not just supplement a miserable income situation but to gain some sanity in my life. While I enjoy being home with my retired (not by choice) husband, after 39 years together...... we are getting on each others' nerves with the whole "see you 24/7 thing".  I need to get my life back.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday this year. I cherish every holiday now, in fact, I cherish every day!  Enjoy, be grateful for all you have and share the spirit with others.

Be healthy, be happy and seek only Positive Pursuits now and in the New Year.  May it be a good year. =:)

Feeling Good, a Good Thing

It has been some weeks since my last chemo treatment and having received a reprieve for a couple of months, I am feeling good. I have been incorporting some meditation, aroma therapy, wellness tea and have been seeking some inspirtion via numerology. I have not been good in keeping straight with the Mediteranean diet but I will forgive myself as I have not been able to taste for so long, that now that taste is coming back, I eat what tastes good, not necessarily what is good for me. Oh well, I will try to do better. :) The numerology research only supports what I already know; that I am strong of mind and spirit, I do not give up when I have a goal to attain, that I am humble and thankful, that I am a survivor.... so it is. I shall survive and overcome this disease. It will not beat me, it will not win. I feel great, I feel strong, I feel I can cause some control within my body, I will mentally and physically attack that which threatens my body and I will live to tell about it. Mind over matter, it is working, I can feel it.
Now, occasionally I pull a poem out from the past to share, and perhaps I will pull a  new one out in the future, but for now, a little humor from the past.

A numbing sensation
Creeps along my spine,
Reaching down the sinews
And to my brain does climb.
It makes my eyelids drowsy
And turns my feet to stone,
It tingles in my bloodstream
And seeps into the bone.
Now this numbing sensation
Crawls and settles deep.
I really wouldn't mind it....
But damn my rears asleep!

Ok, enough already. I hope everyone seeks good health, peace and no stress and only positive pursuits. Night all!

A Nice Break

Ahhhh we returned from a couple of days out of town, away from medical appointments, doctor visits and constant conversation about how I am and cancer in general.  There comes a time when the cancer patient needs to escape the medical and home environment all of which is a constant reminder I have the disease. So, rested now, new frame of mind, and grateful my oncologist has given me two months off of chemotherapy to rebuild strength and body functions (which truly have remained quite good). I will take the break, enjoy the lessening of neuropathy symptoms and eventually get some control of colon function which is annoying. It is November and remains in the upper 80's and lower 90's here in the Phoenix metro area. Hard to believe it is fall and I truly miss the trees turning color in Oregon which is where we spent most of our life. I do not intend to simply vegetate during this time off. I continue to research aids in healing and plan on inpledmenting some yoga, meditation, and a few other things into my daily ritual to enhance the mind over matter advocation. I continue to eat healthy and organic if possible but I have not regained taste yet and cannot tolerate meat, breads, or sweets. To gain protein which I need I try to incorporate cheese when I can and now supplement with some protein source drinks to help me out. I am not losing or gaining weight which is most acceptable.Under normal circumstant I would take another fifteen pounds off but it is risky to do that when your immune system is already compromised, so I will not. I hope those of you who visit, will pay attention to your body's signs of need. Try to walk, try to eat organic, try to eat mediteranean cuisine and try with all your heart to eliminate stress in your life which causes inflammation which in turn feeds cancer cells. Please start to do this with your children also, so as adults they will avoid fast food and be conscientious about listening to their body to know when something is out of sinc.  Stay happy, keep praying for a miracle for me, and be healthy above all. I love you all.

Tulips

A friend suggested I needed tulips on my blog to celebrate the new look. I could not figure out how to border my blog so am inserting a little tulip power here. :) Pretty huh? When I lived in Oregon there was a tulip farm nearby. Each spring we would go look at all the blooms and then choose the bulbs we wished to plan. They are beautiful...

It's Going To Be A Good Day

Last week was chemo week. I try not to blog during chemo as I am generally a bit "down". I can tell the Wednesday before chemo treatments that I am in a mood that sort of looms overhead like a dark cloud. While chemo is a reminder that I am sick.... something I care not to acknowledge as I do not wish to give this illness any power over me. I am cultivating some wonderful friendship with people at the Cancer Center. We are kind of like a club... we laugh, we support those who cry, we crack jokes, we are rather goofy but in a loving sort of way. We never know if we will meet again in a couple weeks and when someone is missing.... we worry, we are sad.

 It is now Tuesday and I am recovered from the dark days and ready to spend the next ten as if I am in the peak of health.... Taking a small trip this weekend to celebrate life and ignore that which gives us grief. I am looking forward to the quick escape.

I must recommend another book, this one for the healthy as well as those of us not so healthy. It is a mind over matter philosophy that we can all incorporate into our lives and frankly, I cannot argue with the testament of using the tools offered. I embrace them as well as other in my quest to control my body, fight the cancer cells and recover my perfect body.... it will be done. You can do it also. Author: Deepak Chopra, Md. Title: Perfect Health. There are other books, but so far I am glued to this one. Dr. Chopra has a clinic in La Jolla, California and has been practicing a long time. Try this, you will be surprised what you can do to lead a healthy life, control cell activity, live longer, and be young.

My oncologist and I chatted about toxicity... a drawback to constant chemo therapy. Since my labs are coming in great, as usual and my cancer cell count down to #9, I am taking the next two months off to give my body a break from all the chemicals it ingests. I so look forward to the holidays, as if the grim reaper were not lurking... lol I decided to do as the TV commercials portray..... look him in the eye, check my Ipad or internet phone, and then tell him he is not real, sorry. :)

So, read my friends and take an active role in preserving your health, for you, for your family. Stay positive, avoid inflammation caused by illness or stress, be happy, forgive people and live live live to the fullest. Thanks for checking in. I am good and plan on getting better. XO

A little poem from long ago….

Sometimes when the snow falls,
As a feather torn from some abandoned nest,
In soft early light, I feel but second best,
Alone and apart from the rest.

And yet, I realize, I love the feather
More than the graceful bird
Lost in foul weather, its calling never heard.
But then, the best would love the bird.

By: DE

It is Thursday... Chemo Party again!

Today was chemo day...it is never a joyous day, but I accept the necessity and look forward to a group of ladies I have met during my regular treatments. I have to admit, the ladies, Joanie who is new today, Mary whom I just met but  who has battled off and on since 2002, Kathy, on her second or third battle who is truly a trooper, Joe who is an optimistic wonder, Carol who is most gentle and lovely and Sharon who is new but had a great attitude and finally Jenny who also is most admiral. I am so in awe of these ladies, all of whom have a different take on their respective illness but all of them fighters. I feed from their strength as if it were my own and their comaraderie makes the long day go by much faster. We support each other and it is a joy to have each of them be a contributor to my well being, to my life with cancer, to my spirit, to my future. Thank you ladies for your smiling faces and will to face your disease with a vengeance.
I gratefully was not sick today but my husband, bless him, drove and hung out all day so I did not have to risk nausea and driving.. however my home health folks forgot to send my chemo "party ball" which I wear home and for the next 44 hours receiving chemo nonstop... so I am staying up, waiting for the nurse who will arrive at 10pm to hook me up. It will be a long couple of days, sigh. I also found out today, that there will be absolutely no medical cure option for me barring new medical breakthroughs or the Grace of God. I investigated tomography radiation ablation as an option for liver tumor eradication and the answer right now is no. Without boring you to death per the details, I accept the explanation. So, chemo seems to be working, new PET scan will be done end of October to track results but my cancer cell count was 34 on August 12th when I resumed chemo, today it was 10 (nice :) and for many patients it can soar to 700 or above. I am feeling that chemo is once again working. So my goal is to shrink the tumors to oblivion and keep them there so I can live with this disease for many years to come. I still eat well and as organic as possible, I am in tune with treated water in  #1 bottles only, I am as positive in my belief that I have God on my side every moment, and give thanks for the multitude of blessing in my life. I want to live, I seek only positive pursuits, I support anyone who needs me, I appreciate prayers, I am going to beat this or at least live with it for a long time. I will win, one way or the other. Be Well, Eat well, seek only positive pursuits, and be happy. Hugs, Deb

Daily Motto

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning
the devil says ~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.

So love the people who treat you right.

Love the ones who don't just because you can.

Believe everything happens for a reason.

If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.

If it changes your life, let it.

Kiss slowly.

Forgive quickly.

God never said life would be easy.

He just promised it would be worth it.

Chemo Day Again

I am never really happy about going to chemo every two weeks because I know I have to look forward to the dark days after.... but on the other hand I had a lovely chat with about five other women today and it passed quickly. Last chemo blog blamed fast food for food poisoning event and now, I must own the fact I was wrong. Not the fast food. Currently one of my medications is being withheld from chemo since I had trouble healing a wound from surgery. The drug prevents healing; hence I did not get it last week or today. It also lessens side effects. So, today I went to chemo alone. I need to remember that my husband needs a break once in a while also, as this disease is not all about me. After chemo, driving home, I was going to be sick again. So, the deduction is: it is the lack of the drug, not fast food that makes me sick. I wondered how I would drive and barf at the same time... not an easy feat. Perhaps I could zip into the center turn lane, put blinkers on and have at it. Of course I am fanatical about keeping the car clean, so how would I do this, lean out the door. Yikes.... so as I am thinking of how to handle the impending situation, I am simultaneously removing everything from my purse, the only thing that remotely resembles a container for...you know what. I also prayed hard: Dear Lord, please place your hand upon my stomach and ease the urge to be ill until I get home. I did this all the way home and He answered my prayer. I took pills to prevent when I got home, hung out in the "loo" for awhile just in case, then took my bucket and went to bed for a 2 hour nap. Felt ok when I arose. There is always something to deal with when you have Cancer but I am dealing. I depend on prayer a lot and am blessed with all of your support and a loving family and meeting some very strong women at the Cancer center. I am good. Next chemo will be better. I had a great labor day as both daughters, husbands and children drove or flew in for the weekend. I was in grandma and mom heaven. I am so lucky. Remember my friends, DO NOT PUT OFF THE COLONOSCOPY if you are 50 or older. This cancer is sooooooooooo preventable and the procedure is easy and painless except for little discomfort the night before. While my cancer was missed during my regular check up procedure, I am not the norm. There is a reason for this, just haven't figured it out yet, nor fretting if I do not. It will be identified to me someday. In the meantime, I am still well for the most part, still believe in miracles, still fighting this hard and trying to do the right things regarding health and well being. I am thankful for my life, my husband, my family and friends, new and old. And eternally grateful to God for the strength he lends me regularly. Stay well, be happy, and seek only positive pursuits. Hugs

Lunch anyone?

I Was Good

You know, the dumbest things can just jump up and ruin a day! Going to chemo is never a fun day, albeit necessary. My husband and I, being eternally unemployed and on the tightest of budgets no longer go out to eat ever. However, to compensate for chemo, every two weeks my husband goes out and grabs our favorite burger and brings it in to the clinic where I sit getting rat poison into my veins and we do lunch! Yesterday was the same, but the difference, I got a tainted burger and by the time I left the clinic, I felt pretty rotten. Half way home, I knew why and hence vomited all the way home...thank God for the half empty kleenex box in the car.... I hate to pull over in public for such a thing! All other orifices got clobbered by the time I got home.  I took meds to alleviate the nausea and the other end.....only to throw them up as well. Ugh     After a two hour nap, and jello for dinner, I survived and today feel just fine.  So much for the fast food treat.......... from now on it is Subway fresh or take home lunch. As if chemo was not enough....don't need this added aggravation! Still in good shape mentally.... Stay well, be happy and seek only positive pursuits...and watch that fast food urge, it can get you.

I’m Am Good

Hi there. This is my daily ritual; I look at myself in the mirror and say: “today, I am okay”.

I am over the whole foreboding thing about not living, hell; I plan to live everyday as if it were my last. This should make for a grand ending to this book of my life and I look forward to making the book a trilogy…. I cannot complain. I feel fine except for six or seven days a month with minor side effects so far. I feel blessed for that. I have contingency plans in the event that gets worse and/or intolerable, but for now, I am good.


While I am done being weepy over the lack of medical treatment options, I still cry a lot but in a humble way. It never fails to crack my stoic wall as to receive a call, card or email from friends and family who wish me well or send thoughts of prayer. When I receive those, I am touched beyond comprehension hence tears of gratitude just well up and flow.

When you know that death will come sooner than later and you know how you will die (if you avoid the proverbial bus while on the journey), you sort of feel insignificant. I believe, for me, it is because I am no longer contributing to society, I am no longer the caregiver. For awhile, I sort of felt I ceased to be…. except to my husband and family who have pampered me like some sort of goddess, which I am not but for which I am thankful and to know that so many people care, so many pray, so many just think of me is a reminder that I am not insignificant, I am not a speck, I am so loved and it takes my breath away.

Right now, phone calls from my grandchildren are a delight even if comprehending the zeal of a two year old, the one word elaborations of a four year old and the whimsical lightening speed but very grown up chat from our six year old is a challenge sometimes. I look forward to the arrival of our daughters and their husbands and four fabulous grandchildren arriving for the Labor Day weekend. It will be a glorious zoo and I cannot wait to hold them all in my arms.

I thank God, every day for my family as they are my light, my reason to live, my legacy. And I thank God for so many friends and relatives who are the very foundation upon which I am supported. I thank God for the life I have lived and accept each day I receive as His gift to me, a miraculous one. Science may be a dead end right now, but Faith is not. I will hold on to that. Be well, be happy and try to live each day as if there is no tomorrow. :)

Someone stole the pot at the end of my rainbow...

When I received my stage IV Colon Cancer diagnosis in January of this year, I did not cry. Like a new job, I was faced with the challenge of identifying goals and options and pursuing them with a vengeance. When I resumed chemotherapy last week after three months off to have surgery, I cried. For the first time, all options have been yanked out from under me and I have nothing, sans faith, to pursue.

What that means is I will have chemotherapy for as long as it works or as long as I live as palliative care, offered to keep the cancer under control. If chemo stops working somewhere along the way, I am done medically. The liver tumors were treatable but now I have lesions, spiderweb-liked entities that prevent curative treatment. They will no go away and are not accessible via radiation techniques. Options for clinical trials (drug testing) are pretty rare for colon cancer as it is one of the few slow growing cancers that are curable when caught early. Hence, there is less sense of urgency to develop new drugs here.
I am not afraid to die, thank God, but I am angry that now that options have been removed, I have no choice but to pray and wait. On a family level, I have an opportunity to perhaps write something to my grandchildren that they may have a few words from grandma on those events in their lives that I will miss. I can try to see them more often, not an easy task when unemployed and raped by the medical insurance world.
So drat....now my priorities change once again...personal decisions need to be made, and while I have hope, it is not solid, it is iffy, it is unseen, it is not tangible...but I will try to grasp it as best I can. No regrets, life have been good overall. Cherish your life no matter how troublesome, love totally, forgive always, be well, be happy and seek only positive pursuits.

EAT ORGANIC

Bear With Me

I hope the jokes do not offend anyone....I can only say that humor helps to lessen depression when one looks at the total picture of having Cancer. I mean no disrespect to Alzheimer patients in the previous post.
I am three days out from beginning chemotherapy again....I am not looking forward to getting back into the routine of treatment and the dark days that follow. Sigh! If I had a choice, I would choose a different path, dig ditches, become a short order cook, plant a tree in the AZ heat... but I have no choice but to put my head up, shoulders back, breathe deep and move forward. So, I will. Sure there are days when I am tired of this, however without having taken the steps I have taken; I would have bid you all goodbye by end of year. Not going there. As long as options exist, I will opt. It would be a slap in the face to you, my constant supporters and my family and me to do otherwise. Next steps are chemo, then investigating Radiation Oncology to specifically target the remaining tumors on the liver, hoping to eradicate them in one fell swoop. There is much investigating and weighing of consequences before we do that, but we will be diligent in that pursuit. Surgical wounds are healing slowly, either from a lousy immune system, being Diabetic, old age or ???? which is annoying but tolerable? And for those of you who wish your spouse would not let you lift a finger to do a damn thing, not a good wish....makes for an unbearably boring existence. I long for the day I can vacuum, pull a weed, clean the pool or wash the car without causing my husband distress. I have gained back 8 pounds since surgery. Mostly because I am reveling in the ability to eat whatever I want within Diabetic reason knowing full well this option will dissipate once we begin chemo again which leaves me unable to eat much for six days out of every month. That is okay, I still have room for weight loss despite the fact that I wish I could afford to go to a gym and firm up what is left! lol

Thanks for your patience regarding this blog. I choose less over more in order to avoid whining on a regular basis...so bear with my occasional updates. Perhaps the next will be more upbeat as I will get new baseline PET scan results today to see if we are status quo after a three month sabbatical from chemo treatments. :) Hope your summer included some fun family outings. Keep an eye on your diet: be sensible and organic when possible and remember " It is never so bad that it could be worse"... be healthy, be happy and follow only Positive Pursuits. Hugs

BAD NEWS AND WORSE NEWS

A friend of mine felt unwell for months, so he decided to see his doctor. The doctor examined him and referred him to the hospital to see various specialists. After a couple of weeks, all the test results came through, so my friend returned to see his doctor.

"I'm very sorry", said the doctor. "I'm afraid I have bad news and worse news."

"Tell me the worst."

"I'll be honest, you have cancer, you'll be dead in three months."

"Shit! " said my friend. "What on earth is the bad news?"

"You also have Alzheimer's Disease."

"Alzheimer's? Oh well, at least I don't have cancer."

                 **** Sometimes you just have to laugh outloud in order to remain sane!

And when you are down.......

Ah the dreaded fear of infection......I got hit hard on Tuesday this week when the wound took a turn for the worse...to gross to discuss but none the less required a late night trip to the Chandler Hospital ER, overnight tests, then an ambulance ride back to Good Sam where I spent a couple days once again. We hope we have this under control, things look better now and I am home again. I must say, if I did not have whip lash before the ambulance ride, I did after..lol. What a bumpy, uncomfortable ride to say the least. If I am ever in an accident I plan to call for limo transport and skip the whole ambulance idea....yikes. While in the hospital (for surgery) my roommate was a wonderful lady, also fighting cancer. She thought she was through the worst but no, new surgery for new tumors was required... I felt so bad for her and her disappointment with the new news. She underwent surgery after I was released and I found out this evening, died in surgery the day I arrived back with my infection. While so sad to have lost a new found friend, I was blessed to have had the opportunity to meet her as her spirit, like mine, was so strong. I pray her family heals and holds dear her memory. Her name was Debbie....we joked at the confusion over having two namesakes in the same room. :) Rest in peace Deb, I will miss you. Thank you all, for your unending support as it is a source of strength for me each day. Thanks to our daughters for coming to help keep things afloat after surgery and thanks to my sister for lending support to Les and myself during surgery. My family is a gift like no other gift received and I am eternally grateful for their love and sacrifices made on my behalf. Be well, be happy and may we all continue to seek only Positive Pursuits.

Surgery Update

I learned, at an young age, that my list for Santa could be as long as I like, but I would only receive one or two gifts from him. I learned I would not always get what I want.

Such is the case here... the colon tumor was removed but the liver resection did not happen. Word on the ward is that it would have put me at a higher rate of risk than the surgeon wanted to take. So, this chance for a cure was unsuccessful.

That is not to say I am out of options, I am not. Next steps will be the Radiology Oncologist. It is here where tiny radioactive seeds are planted in the remaining tumors where they are subsequently blasted from within. This should work and is safer than the resection. In any event, I am recuperating at home, slowly but surely. Won't be back to normal for awhile, takes about 6 weeks or so and I am only one week into being home. I have been gutted, much the same as a fish ....lol hence my abs are of no value right now. I sleep in a recliner as I cannot get out of a bed yet. Eating is minimal however all internal parts are working, thank God.

I appreciate your prayers during my surgery and now, recovery. I ask you to keep me in your thoughts for awhile longer while I head back to chemotherapy and a longer road to recover. I will get there, apparently the hard way, but as long as I have options, I am good to go.

More to come...too tired to linger here.,... be well, be happy and remember to seek only Positive Pursuits. xoxoxo me.

Hi all. Saturday now and the count down begins. Monday requires a quick trip to the hospital for blood typing in case I need refueling...lol.  Picking up caretaker sister on Tuesday at the airport...she is coming to caretake my husband who worries too much! I am blessed to have a wonderful sister dropping everything to come... and a husband who worries....I love you both.  I have some residual fear but nothing I cannot overcome as I have all the support I could ask for with family and friends pulling for my recovery.  I look forward to getting this out of the way and I am secure with the knowledge that the zillions prayers for success on my behalf will be heard by the Good Lord who is in total control and has a plan for me. In any event, we will  move forward and do what must be done no matter the outcome. I feel great, but have a little cold... drat....so pumping in the vitamin C and taking some dayquils to relieve symptoms. Lungs clear though...most important. All the little escape trips are over now...back to house maintenance, yard pruning (yikes in 110 degrees) and computer play. All things in order for surgery so perhaps will rent a movie and simply relax. Wish me luck and send a tiny prayer Wednesday  morning just in case I need the boost. Your comments are oh so appreciated...again, I could not do this without so many people supporting my endeavors. Cancer be gone.... a little humor below. Be well, be happy and remember to seek only Positive Pursuits. xoxo

P Words

Over the past year, dealing with unexpected unemployment for both my husband and I, and then the cancer diagnosis, I have learned that with a multitude of "P" words, survival is possible: Perseverance, positive-ness, patience, prayer...a few words that help along the way. This past week, we ignored the word "poor" and incorporated the word "play" as it is an important part of the life plan. The trip to our daughter's home in Southern California was a welcome respite. Along with her husband, our granddaughter and grandson, we ate, we laughed, we cruised on their new boat along the Newport Beach Harbor, we played, watched movies, celebrated Marisa's 6th birthday and K1 graduation. What fun we had... even the drive was good. Home now to regroup then off tomorrow for three days in the AZ mountains for a quiet retreat before getting ready for surgery. I am so lucky to have a wonderful family supporting me along this path, and a husband who is learning to do all those things I do...my father who lends his love and a sister willing to come sit for hours in the hospital and help me get on track when I come home. Our youngest daughter will arrive about then to care take for the first week...and boy do I have a lot of friends and family praying hard for my recovery. I am blessed and I know it. Thank you all for staying close and for not forgetting me. I am grateful beyond expression. I want to get on with this, so the waiting now is tough..so close and so much at stake.  I have no fear of surgery despite the risks involved, but hope we are successful in beating this thing. If we do, I will be part of a small exclusive percentage. This event will change my life no matter the outcome. On a more humorous note: I love to eat and all who know me, know that I love to cook ....my pre-warning from the medical sector is that after surgery, I must refrain from raw fruit or raw vegetables (cooked only), nuts of any kind and go light on the meat for six weeks. Ugh....I can do without meat, I love steamed vegets but am already missing fresh fruit. I suspect week seven would be a heavenly eating frenzy..... except I will be on chemo again, no matter the outcome, so eating will be crummy again. Sigh! Okay, the whole point of this blog is to be positive, sooooooooooo I am looking forward to dropping another twenty pounds as a reward! lol Thank you again for all your support, care and good wishes. I could not continue to do this each day were it not for all of you. xoxoxo I will update upon my return after the surgery on the 30th.... hope to be home on or around the 4th of July (a good day). STAY WELL, BE HAPPY, AND SEEK ONLY POSITIVE PURSUITS.

This is it!

Finally, the surgeons will be done with their vacations, rested I hope! Surgery for me is scheduled for 7:30AM on June 30th a Banner Good Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix. It will be just over 9 weeks since my last chemotherapy by then and despite assurances from the oncologist that my cancer will not have spread, I will meet with her next week to discuss just that. I lost blind faith a long time ago: my faith in God is strong but my faith in people needs more information to back up vague statement like "it will be fine that you have been without chemo for 9 weeks". I need to know why....Is cancer so slow in growing that not much will have changed? Do I need a new PET scan to be sure? I want this chance for a cure even at 50 %, but no sense in cutting me open if there is a chance the cancer has spread.  Am I paranoid? Perhaps, but I feel I have that right. So, unless something changes....think positive thoughts on your way to work that day. I need your prayers, all of them to take with me to the table. I must express my thanks to those of you who comment here as your support is uplifting. I also could not face this disease with so much optimism were it not for the loving support of my daughters and their families, my father and sister and of course, the man I love who worries too much but supports me everyday. I love you all and am eternally grateful to family and friends who keep me close to their heart via prayer or well wishes. Each of you have impacted my life, each of you have enhanced that which makes me unique, each of you will always hold a tender spot in my heart no matter what happens. Be well, Be happy and always seek only Positive Pursuits. God Bless

And We Wait....and wait....and wait

Ahhhhh the waiting game is most difficult. I have been off chemotherapy now for nearly 6 weeks and await my surgeons to get there acts together to set a date for surgery. One must be off chemo only 4 weeks to be ready for surgery yet they drag their medical feet....ugh.  It would appear that one of the surgeon's vacation takes priority, now we are looking at June 29th,as yet unconfirmed, to get going. This all makes me feel vunerable, being without chemo protection for so long. Is the cancer growing during this period, is it looking for a new blood supply? I hope and pray not. It will be a tad more than nine weeks of no chemo by the time we do this and my conversation to the surgeons will be this...if you get in there and find the cancer has spread because you needed to go lay on a beach somewhere, don't bother waking me up as I will no doubt hurt you to the extent I will be getting to know our infamous sheriff up close and personal! So we wait..... I hate waiting....another test of only seeking Positive Pursuits.... I am trying. 

Upcoming Sugery

Okay, there is no doubt I was thrilled to hear I could be a surgical candidate for resection of the liver and colon tumor removal... the only way to obtain a cure. We met with the liver surgeon already...he was optimistic. Met with the colon surgeon today and while optimistic, he is more of a realist and really spelled out what will happen.  This is not a laproscopic surgery but full blown...the liver surgeon will asses his ability to remove ALL remaining tumors, however small. If he can get them all out and save sufficient liver for me to live, he will do so and then the colon surgeon will remove the tumor and the preceeding section of the transverse colon and any lymph nodes in the area, reconnect the colon and then we have more chemo (6 months) then reassess to see if I am clean of cancer activity. But, if the liver surgeon cannot get all the tumors, then I return to chemotherapy for pallative care (keeps me alive as long as possible) and the colon will not undergo surgery. Though not said, basically, why do surgery on the colon if I am going to die anyway....(unsuccessful liver resection).  OK and with surgery there are risks of course of not healing, leakage, infection and on and on and on....and the odds of cure via surgery are at 50%.   Good grief, even the good news is shakey.  In the end after all is said, information is sorted and risks assessed, I have two choices: pallative care without surgery which will end in death albeit they may keep me alive for some years.... or take the risk of cure at 50% with all the risks that go with surgery...   It is a no brainer for me...I will take the risk and will enter this process or eventually leave this world with nothing less than Positive Pursuits. I still believe that all those prayers out there about my condition are helping me get through this. Please, keep me in your prayers a little longer.  Thanks.

Good News Keeps Coming

Yesterday was chemo day....and I got the news... no more chemo as surgery is coming!  While no one is usually thrilled about surgery, I am. It is rare for a stage IV cancer patient to be eligible for surgery in only three months or so, but here I am. Tumors on the liver which were many to begin with are no longer visible on the PET scan. That does not mean they are gone as chemo does not cure, it only shrinks tumors to the point they may be surgically removed. It is surgery that cures............. so we apparantly have tumors so small they are no longer visible which means surgery can happen. One can remove up to 50 to 55% of the liver and function normally with the liver then able to regenerate over time. So, it looks good. I cannot have chemo during the next three to four weeks in order for my body to get strong enough to sail through surgery, so yippee.... no chemo for awhile. Now, I eat healthy and try to incorporate some cardio exercise into the plan so I can be poison free, have healthy cells and can breathe better. I can only  marvel at this miracle...it is funny, I have always believed in  miracles and yet now that I have received one, not quite sure how to act....I wondered if this was really true? Well, all medical providers confirm it is so here we go.  Wish me luck!  I will need 12 more sessions of chemo after surgery, then.......... maybe, just maybe we can lick this thing.    In the meantime, check your water bottles to be sure they are a #1 recycled material, eat Mediteranean (more vegets, protein etc and whole grains and organic if possible) eliminate refined sugars please and limit or get rid of your stress to eliminate internal inflamation which sets the stage for cancer to do its dirty work! Stay healthy, be happy and seek only Positive Pursuits.

MIRACLES DO HAPPEN..THE GOOD NEWS

Okay, now the good news, I know you like to read the good news sooooo here you go!


If you never truly believed in miracles, heads up I believe I have been blessed. You all know I am stage four Colon Cancer…it is the stage where options rarely exist and chemotherapy does not cure, it simply keeps you alive longer or shrinks tumors to the point where surgery is an option, and it is surgery that cures. Today I met with a Liver surgeon at the request of my oncologist who told me that my recent PET scan (which highlights cancer cells at the origin of the tumor, at the area metastasized and any other areas infected) showed significant response to chemotherapy that I needed a liver surgeon on the team. OK for me that was good news as it meant we were doing well and at some point in the future, I may eliminate enough tumors to qualify me for resection of the liver…cut out the remaining shrunken tumors and let my liver grow back healthy. So, I meet with the liver surgeon and say," does my scan show that I may become eligible for surgery? " (Please note, that for stage four this is closely related to being part of the 20% who recover). His response was, your PET scan was so good, that you are a candidate now…. The he showed me the scan. The tumors on the liver (at least 15 plus) originally lit up like the fourth of July on the first scan done before chemotherapy. The second scan done a couple weeks ago, no sign of fireworks…nothing… no tumors are lighting up at all! Are they miraculously gone? Perhaps they are gone or maybe so small now they are not showing up on the scan. In any event, I am now a candidate for liver surgery (which also includes some colon surgery to remove what is left of the original tumor) and my chances are really good? This just does not happen so quick in stage four………….so MIRACLES DO OCCUR and I cannot humbly believe I am worthy but will not argue the Will of my Lord God and Savior, my friends and family who have sent prayers constantly, and to research tools which have taught me, I can participate in the healing process. Now we meet new doctors, schedule this event which will take place at Good Sam Hosp. and I will need to get off chemo for four weeks prior to eliminate the poison, improve my cardio health and diet in preparation. When chemo ends will be up to my oncologist, so we shall see. There is a plan B if we have a fluke and the liver surgeon cannot get all the tumors (if any) left without compromising my health (a certain amount of liver must remain intact to live and grow back) but we will discuss that later if we need to. When I started this blog, I initially said I fully intend to be part of that 20% who recover and we are now on that new path. Thank you all for your prayers, your emails of concern, your thoughts and well wishes for you are one of the healing tools I needed and I am, no matter the outcome, eternally grateful for my family, my friends, my doctors, my ability to stay focused and informed and for my spiritual Healer who holds my life in his hands. Here we go….stay tuned for indeed, miracles can happen. Stay healthy, stay happy and seek only Positive Pursuits.

Dark Days Extended

Sometimes I do not blog for awhile because my dark days have taken over my life and this past week I really got hit hard. It is hard to imagine sleeping for 16 hours a day, three days in a row, rising only to use facilities and attempt to eat but that is my body’s way of escaping the misery. My poor husband, keeps life afloat while I am in lala land and patiently lets me know what day it is when I rise from the cocoon state. I have now lost my ability to taste anything that is not extremely acidic, so I am not taking in protein which is not a good thing. It would be okay if I could taste nothing, I would then eat anyway just to stay relatively healthy but my taste has contorted my buds so such food tastes like a cardboard box or metal and after awhile your body revolts and refused to eat. So, needless to say I lost 8 pounds last week and that is not good. So, I am looking for information about protein powders to try to supplement my diet right now. I can afford weight loss, although to date I have lost 40 pounds since I was working and I need to keep my cardio working and muscle mass intact. Let me know if you have any advice I can run across my chemo nurses for approval.

Link to Symposium by Dr. David Servan-Schrieber FIND THE TIME/LISTEN

THIS IS A AN ABSOLUTE ASTOUNDING LECTURE BY A SCIENTIST M.D., AND PH.D FROM CALIFORNIA, DR. SERVAN SCHREIBER, SPEAKING AT THE U. OF PITTSBURGH MEDICAL SCHOOL BASED ON RESEARCH WITH SIGNIFICANT NUMBERS OF STUDY PARTICIPANTS REGARDING THE CAUSES AND TREATMENT FOR CANCER.

THE TITLE OF HIS LECTURE IS "ROLE OF BODY'S DEFENSE FOR CANCER TREATMENT AND PREVENTION. "HE SHOWS THE HISTORY OF THE EVOLUTION OF OUR DIET AND OUR LIFESTYLE CHANGES FOR THE PAST 4000 YEARS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, SINCE ABOUT 1945.

HE PRESENTS THE 6 MAIN "HEALTHBUSTERS" THEN HE SHOWS THE VARIOUS "HEALTHBOOSTERS" SO IMPORTANT IN BOTH "PREVENTING CANCER" AS WELL AS "TREATING CANCER." HE PRESENTS AN "ANTI-CANCER" PLATE OF FOOD SHOWING WHAT IT CONSISTS OF AND LOOKS LIKE!


HE HIMSELF IS A SURVIVOR OF A BRAIN TUMOR.

THIS TIME WILL GO FAST BECAUSE THE INFORMATION IS SO INFORMATIVE, INTERESTING AND HUGELY INSTRUCTIVE. I THINK YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU DID!!!

EVERYONE COULD BENEFIT . . . . THOSE WITH CANCER AND THOSE WHERE IT HAS NOT YET BEEN DIAGOSED. WITH DIET AND LIFESTYLE CHANGES HE RECOMMENDS.

HE PRESENTS A 68 % REDUCTION IN MORTALITY!!! FOR EXAMPLE, WHEREAS OUR CURRENT DIETS ARE 80 PERCENT ANIMAL PROTEIN, IT SHOULD BE 80% VEGETARIAN AND PLANT-BASED! 

STRIKING ALSO IS THE POWERFUL AND MEANINGFUL SUPPORT PERSONS/GROUPS FOR CANCER SURVIVERS!

AT THE END, THERE IS A 5 MINUTE TRAILER BY DR. SCHREIBER WHICH IS ALSO INTERESTING AND INSTRUCTIVE AS HE DISCUSSES THE SOLUTION TO THE "CANCER EPIDEMIC" WHICH IS LIFESTYLE (DIET AND EXERCISE) AND IS SO OFTEN REVERSIBLE. SUGAR FEEDS CANCER GROWTH.

YES, I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT TIME IS AND . . . MY FIRST INCLINATION WAS . . . "I JUST DO NOT HAVE TIME TO TAKE 58 MINUTES TO VIEW/LISTEN TO THIS" . . . BUT SINCE WE ALL HAVE CANCER CELLS AND FULLY ONE-FOURTH OF US WILL DIE SUFFER AND DIE FROM CANCER, I JUST FORCED MYSELF TO TAKE THE TIME TO TO VIEW THIS AND TAKE NOTES. PLEASE DO THIS FOR YOU, NOT FOR ME.

RECOMMENDATION: IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH CONCERNS ABOUT CANCER, FORWARD THIS TO THEM AND URGENTLY REQUEST THAT THEY LISTEN TO THIS LECTURE. THEN, EVERYONE ELSE YOU KNOW NEEDS TO KNOW FOR PREVENTION AND BUILDING UP THE IMMUNE SYSTEM! I BELIEVE THEY WILL THANK YOU FOR THIS "HEADS UP!" (CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaDt3AJQ98c

 PREVENTION IS A GREAT, GREAT WORD! TAKE THE TIME, YOUR LIFE IS WORTH IT!

Glitches

I have learned that a diagnosis of cancer gives one an increased and everlasting ability to deal with glitches.  This week chemotherapy would not work...as my implanted pump would not work. So after several hours of trying alternative positions to relocate the tube that runs to my artery, I was dispatched to Mercy Gilbert Hospital for a dye test to see what the problem was. And, after a three hour wait, I had the ten minute test completed. It showed no repositioning, and no kinks and while lying flat, the hospital staff could get a drip to go in but no blood to come out. So off the chemotherapy the next day (Friday) only to find that no position would get it to work. The resolve, I got hooked up to two mechnical pumping devices to get all my weed killer in, yet another 5 hour day and carried home a portable mechanical pump to keep the stuff running until Sunday. I also brought home a medicine/chemical that now resides in my fridge to be administered Sunday by the home health nurse. With luck.... the problem could be that my body does not like a foreign object inside of me so created a sheath around the tube to protect me. Problem is, I do not need the protection so the chemical injection on Sunday, into my port pump, should dissolve the sheath created by my body. If not, I will need outpatient surgery again to go in and fix the darn thing.  So............we are being creative in resolving the issue and I am being patient in that waiting is now just part of my life.  In the meantime, other than severe neuropathy in hands, feet and throat...being electrocuted when cold and now having lost most of the ability to taste anything except dill pickles and vinagrette, I am doing really good and remain, as always, positive. Next item...the dark days are coming and then we meet with the liver surgeon....go team! Stay well, be happy and seek only Positive Pursuits.

Reference and Referral

For the record, the information given below and future reference to diet, and tips regarding cancer patient conditions and preventative measures for healthy people comes primarily from the book, AntiCancer by James Servan-Schreiber MD, PHD and author.

Prevention Tips and Tips for Cancer Patients

We all live with myths that undermine our capacity to fight cancer. For example, many of us that cancer is primarily liked to our genetic makeup, rather than our lifestyle. When we look at all the research, however, we can see that the contrary is true. The lifestyle we choose is the primary cause for the development of cancer. Genetic factors only contribute 15% and it is not necessarily the same cancer found in our family as cancers have families also.
In the Western Hemisphere, one person in four will die of cancer, but three will not. What can we do to prevent Cancer from developing in our bodies? Here is just a tidbit to start:

1) Eat More Organic
Guard ourselves against the imbalances of our environment that have developed since 1940 that now promote the current epidemic of cancer. Non-organic meat and dairy products and eggs as well as large fish found at the top of the food chain furnish over 90% of human exposure to known contaminates,. These include dioxin, PCB’s and pesticides that persist in the environment despite the banning of many years ago. Typical vegetables contain one hundredth the amount of contaminates found in meat and dairy, however organic (grass fed beef etc and range free poultry and omega 3 enriched eggs) is far less contaminated. The demand for meat and dairy in this country has impacted farmers to the extent that artificial hormones, growth chemicals and other man made chemicals are continuously used to increase production to meet market needs, and the end result is we eat those same hormones and growth chemicals and inorganic phosphates that aid in feeding cancer cells in our bodies just waiting for an opportunity to develop into a tumor.

2) BPA contaminate in water and foods.
Avoid all foods and liquids heated in plastic containers or cans. Canned food is generally heated to 110 degrees during the sterilizing process, thus causing BPA (Bisphenol A) to diffuse into the food. Ban all plastic containers for heating in your kitchen and use only bottled water in #1 bottles (generally clear plastic and the recycle number is on the bottom of the bottle or water bottle container). If it is not a number one, and especially if you leave your water bottle in the car in the summer and it gets hot, you are poisoning yourself by drinking BPA. Also if you buy water in gallon jugs in the store, it should be only Spring Water in a clear #1 bottle. Often water is heated in the semi-truck during transport in hot weather. If not in a #1 bottle, high BPA contaminates could exist without your knowledge. BPA is a fundamental ally for tumors making them resistant to part of the arsenal we use to fight cancer. It literally blocks the effect of chemotherapy agents used to treat breast cancer patients. BPA is a component of hardened plastic or PVC which is everywhere: inner lining of soda cans, ravioli cans, tuna cans, green beans, and fruit preserved in syrup, soups and baby foods. BPA used to be found in baby bottles, but is now banned. It is still found in plastic kitchen bowls and utensils and storage containers. When PVC is heated it turns into BPA…now you are eating a contaminate that promotes tumor growth internally.

TIP

*US National Cancer Institute, that asparagus is the highest tested food containing glutathione, which is considered one of the body's most potent anti-carcinogens and antioxidants. It is recommended to cook asparagus (fresh or canned) then puree and store in the refrigerator. Take two teaspoons, straight, mixed with water hot or cold, or over potato or however you like in the morning and also the evening. (4 tsp per day). This methodology is used to prevent cancer and eliminate tumors already identified.

More information regarding diet in next blog. Stay well, be happy and Seek only Positive Pursuits.

Good News

Nothing on this earth makes dealing with misery more tolerable than getting good news! And Good News is what I got today. The PET scan, after 2 months of treatment, came back with great results. No cancer cells anywhere in the body other than my liver and those multiple tumors are responding to chemotherapy like gangbusters! Tumor in the colon is shrinking and is no longer visible on the scan and is not really a concern right now. Chemo will continue to kill it… it is the liver that is my concern. My Oncologist was nearly dancing today when we met. So, what does this mean….it means I am forever in debt to all of you who have had me in your thoughts and prayers, it means I have the best, most loving and supportive family a person could possibly ask for; it means efforts to eat cancer healthy and organic have helped and it means a positive attitude is also a great healer. If I was not clear before, let me be crystal clear now; I am going to beat this! Next step is meeting with a liver surgeon which is in the works. That will allow me to establish groundwork for qualifying for resection and/or transplant sometime in the future, whichever is the way to go. It will give me new goals to meet, new hope. Today, as everyday, is the first day of the rest of my life… I am so grateful for all the blessings in my life. Be well of spirit, be healthy of body, and seek only Positive Pursuits.

A Little Humor

Temporary Escape

There are several wellness components that assist in nurturing positive steps toward achieving good health while living with cancer.
Nutrition is a key element and I will address some specifics in my next blog.
Some form of exercise, however minimal, is a must even if dragged down by fatigue; it provides oxygen and clears the chemo cobwebs. For me, that means housework as usual or a walk to the mailbox at my own pace. My husband, God love him, had a fit when he saw me cleaning the pool today. (Lol) We often have to stop and have a talk. I reminded him, that sick or not, who I am has not changed and that means I need to be actively participating in life. Sitting in a chair is not me, nor will it ever be me. He, on the other hand, reminds me that I never complain which leads him to wonder if I do too much. While that is probably true, I promised to pay more attention to my physical limits in the future.
Communication is another key element on the path to assisting good health; you must talk, either with your spouse, significant other or kids, parents or friends, doctors or someone….you must talk about how you feel, what you feel, what you desire in life and yes, what you desire in death.
Meditation is a must…for some people this can be structured: yoga, tai chi, transcendental mediation or perhaps only 20 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time. Stop the hectic world we experience and,in total silence, simply breathe…and listen to yourself breathe as you come down from that level of stress that sabotages our anti-cancer efforts.
This past week hubby and I flew away to Oregon to see our youngest daughter and husband, their brand new home finally finished, and two adorable grandsons, Carson age two and Logan,8 weeks. Considering our financial situation we should not have gone. Considering my diagnosis, how could we not. An opportunity presented itself and I while relatively healthy, I can still shoot hoops with a two year old and nurture a baby…God what a wonderful week. It was cold, rainy and snowy which fired up my neuropathy shocks and I developed a new stomach spasm but I am grateful for the time to love unconditionally, stop worrying about the mechanics of living with cancer, and escape the whole medical environment for a week which passed too quickly.
Back to reality; there was good news upon our return to the desert in that a huge insurance issue has been resolved. There are more but I will work on those, I am, however, always amazed at how helpful others are when asked. I was having no luck at a resolution until others stepped in and took that monkey off my back. I am grateful everyday for the goodness in others.
Tomorrow is my PET scan. This occurs every couple months and gives the doctors a look to see if the chemotherapy treatments are doing any good.This will be my first look after having chemo for awhile. While praying for good results I know that in the long line of people needing miracles, I am way in the back as there are so many others whose conditions are much worse than mine. I will wait my turn, I will be patient, I will trust in the Lord and in my ability to help myself and, I am eternally grateful, every day, for your prayers. Thank you all. We will have results soon on the path of Positive Pursuits.

It's A Good Day

One of the more positive aspects of being diagnosed with terminal cancer is that life takes on a new and wonderful perspective. It is almost euphoric! Sure, I deal with some dark days, have serious unemployment issues, healthcare problems to iron out, and income so low it is but a drop in the bucket compared to liabilities….but it is my day, another day of life and I cannot help but smile. The sun may be hidden today but it is there somewhere and will shine on me tomorrow…. I have never loved my husband more than this moment, my children seem to glow in the dark with their exceptional attributes and I am free to forgive every insensitive person I meet, and I do. The air smells better, the food (when I can eat) tastes better and the horizon is in view and it holds good things as long as you remain positive. With the sense that life could be short I soar and it is my intent to lift up everyone I meet and take them for that ride. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to disallow others from bringing you down with their own shortcomings. I will not allow negatives to cling to me and I am happy to take your negative vibes from you and toss them aside if that will brighten your day. This journey will be long, I know, but the road I choose to take, you can choose also, following your own path of positive pursuits…. It’s a good day!

Cancer Symposium

Yesterday I attended an excellent symposium at St. Joe's Hospital in Phoenix, AZ. It was a most informative event and vendors provided a lot of information relative to colon cancer, some of which I desperately needed. It was a reminder that the task of living with Cancer can be overwhelming. Not just the whole live or die thing but the tremendous amount of information needed to survive bills, insurance problems, and a bucket load of stuff you need but do not know where to go to get it. This type of event helps cut to the chase and saves me many hours of searching. I was, however, most disappointed that the medical field experts are quite excited about new technology that treats stage 1 through 3 Colon Cancer but writes off Stage IV (end stage) with treatment that basically keeps you comfortable and alive with Cancer until you die. The cutting edge treatments are not generally even considered for stage four and from the information I received, it seems there are some treatment options for Stage 3 that could be implemented in Stage IV. The symposium consensus pretty much said that life expectancy 20 years ago was about 4-6 months and now is wonderfully about 30 months. I am sorry but there is nothing wonderful about 30 months.....and no one is going to be allowed to offer me that.... I know that medicine is not faith based as a rule, but while I will allow medicine to do what they do to the extent they do it, I will not just sit back and accept some stats....there is a Higher Power than man and I know that my future depends on medicine, technology, me and that Higher Power. I will accept nothing less than a positive attitude towards recovery and nothing less than Positive Pursuits to that end. Thanks to St. Joe's Hospital for a great event but in thirty months I expect a vacation will be in order.
So there.................

A Little Humor

Saturdays..every other

It is a mixed emotion day as I anticipate
The unhooking of the chemo bottle to which
I am attached. I want a shower, a long one….but the unhooking
Comes with a price.

IT IS OFF, thank God. I must be quick,
I have only an hour or two…
Shower first, pay a bill, run to the store
And then like a black cloud looming it is in view.

I cannot really see it, but I can feel it moving
Nearer and nearer, it crawls to me.
And like a ponderous blanket
It envelopes my body, my soul and I cease to be.

While I sleep, I heal, I know that but
I lose time I do not wish to let go.
Days later when I wake from that dark place
I want back the time I shall never know.

At the end of my bi-monthly cocoon,
I feel ill and drugged from too much sleep.
Two more days of dealing with chemical sewage
Till I a will be released from this keep.

Then at last, the sun rises and so do I.
Feeling good, I have a week to soar,
To live a feel good life, to get things done
To plan my next attach on cancer cells and more.

It is not ideal, this life with stage four…
Of that there are no disputes…
But as the dark days pass I look forward
To: living the life of Positive Pursuits.

CHEMOTHERAPY

Tomorrow is chemo day (every other Thursday). It will be my fourth visit and I can tell I am a newbie as I still dress well, coif the hair (I am lucky as this round of chemo should not take my hair) and arrive happy and ready to sit for 5-7 hours while poison is slowly dripped into my body! I am in the company of nearly 50 other patients at the Cancer center, all of us migrating to our own special recliner for the hour(s) or the day. It is not a happy place. People often come in sweats and socks with hair (if any) pulled up in a quick ponytail, wrap themselves into a blanket cocoon with nary a word to anyone. I know that for myself and others, cancer and its respective treatment is no party and many of those people probably do not feel well at all but taking care of our soul while we are ill is paramount. I often wonder if it might help moral if I hired a band or something to make people smile.

Chemo, for me, does not hurt. I generally read or munch a cracker or sip on tea or nap. I am hooked by a tube to a pole on wheels which I carefully wheel to the restroom a zillion times as I receive about six bags of chemicals when I go there. Way too much fluid. Others receive the same or less depending on their own personal treatment regime. So far I have been the last to leave each time I go. I am fortunate to have a most supportive family which I will touch on in another post. My husband refuses to let me go alone even though I can drive before and after. He sits with me and reads the paper, holds my hand, or chats. Around midday he goes home to check on the cat or get the mail and then brings me lunch. Now I pack snacks and water and could pack my lunch, but he likes to bring me something and generally it is a double cheeseburger, no fries or pop from Burger King. I should not eat it as it is a no, no according to my Anti-Cancer food regime I have been incorporating into my life, but he gets so much joy out of this task, I let him. Perhaps I can convince him to hit Subway next time. Lol! He then sits with me the final hours in the afternoon and drives me home. He is a sweetheart, who, after 38 years of letting me pamper him, has stepped up to the plate and is taking on tasks he would never had done years ago. Once home, I am hooked to chemo with a portable tube/bottle which I wear 24-7 till empty which is around 2pm on Saturday. Sleeping while wearing a fanny pack is cumbersome. The only bad part of this process is I cannot bathe and sponge baths do not feel sufficient. I feel no effect while wearing the tube (more continuous poison) until it is removed. By Saturday evening, I am hit with a general yucky feeling all over and fatigue that is so heavy it is all I can do to stay awake……so I sleep and sleep and sleep. By Monday afternoon, (seriously, I only rise to use the bathroom or eat a little), I am done sleeping but now must deal with colon issues for the next three days. I also cannot touch anything cold else I get an electrical shock…so it is mittens while in the fridge or handling anything cold. I look pretty wild in the store when the weather is sunny and I wear mittens to grab milk or butter. People stare and I don’t blame them. By Wednesday, I awake feeling great, have energy and am ready for normalcy…cleaning, cooking, computer stuff, pay bills etc. I am good for the next week until we start all over again. So, that is my chemotherapy course for now. We will monitor its effectiveness on my Cancer at the end of month two (coming soon) to see if we continue on this course or jack up the meds…. I am also scheduled in California for a second opinion. Not so much for diagnosis, I do not doubt that, but treatment options.

To date, I have been lucky with chemo…as my side effects are minimal: sleep, yucky, electric shocks at fingertips, spontaneous nosebleeds and colon problems over a period of about 5 days out of every 14. Not bad at all! My heart goes out to those who suffer more than I and tomorrow I will say a prayer for all who recline by my side, especially those who are so very young.

Stay positive, live life well, honor the needs of your body when it cries for help and eat healthy. Thanks for all the prayers, I remain active in my positive pursuits.

The Beginning

For most people, receiving the news they have cancer is neither welcome nor expected and because we are all so very unique in our psychological and physical makeup, we respond to the news in a kaleidoscopic array of responses. In retrospect, I am not surprised by my response to the news when it came.

In January of 2010, I became ill with an unrelated infection. Since I generally am equipped to take care of others, I did what I always do…discount my symptoms, write them off to the flu, hang tough, weather it out…you know, the usual. I have never been one to run to the doctor at a drop of the hat and this was no exception to that rule, much to the aggravation of my husband and daughters. After seven days of high fevers, pain in my back, dehydration and the loss of anything taken by mouth, I succumbed. One look and the doctor said “get thee to the hospital now”.

The emergency room experience is never a welcome one… lots of tests and long hours of waiting; four to begin tests, nine to get the cursed news and nearly twelve to locate a bed in the ER since the hospital itself was full to the brim. I remember the ER doctor coming into our little curtained cubicle where my husband and I waited patiently, hoping to get a prescription or two and be on our way home. He happily announced the good news….I did not have a gall bladder attack (my early assumption) but instead, the bad news, I had multiple tumors on my liver which meant I had cancer and the source could not be found. He was sorry to bear the news. My first reaction was to comfort the doctor who looked miserably unhappy to be the bearer of bad news and I reminded him that delivering good or bad news was his job and he did not cause this to happen, thus he need not feel bad. Then I turned to my husband and simply said…”shit”.

After being admitted and several days later, tests had been run, CT scans performed of every part of my body, IV’s hooked and unhooked, and enough blood given to create a small animal. Still, no source…a biopsy would be required. Throughout all this, I never cried about having cancer or its ramifications…I did cry when I thought about potentially missing the life events my grandchildren have yet to experience. And then I became the older version of the cheerleader I was in high school….pumped and ready to face adversity head on, I would fight this thing every step of the way, I would not give up control of my life or body, I would seek any means to help in the healing process, I would look at this as a new challenge in my life with new goals and I was and am hell bent to achieve them. The biopsy said colon cancer…now we need to find the darn tumor.

A couple days later, after returning home, the calendar brimming with appointments with my new best friends, my oncologist, labs and the Cancer Center, I had my second colonoscopy in three years, and there it was! Since cancer cells generally take 5-40 years to become the all dreaded tumor, I was surprised my previous colonoscopy did not unearth this news while it was Stage I, a baby and easily rectified. While it is possible that it was missed the first time around, I now know that there are innumerable reasons why this occurred and at this point, matters not. We will talk about them later.

I have to point out, that my optimistic gung ho attitude is not the product of denial. I know what I have, I am at end stage, the numbers (which I ignore) say I have only a 20% chance of recovery in this battle and chemotherapy will be my life for a number of years! I will say that despite my cursing, noted above, I have a great faith based life. So it has helped me tremendously to give up all the worry and stress to my God, thanking Him every step of the way for letting me get sick in the first place (otherwise I would never had known I had Cancer since I had no symptoms at all) so I could move forward with aggressive treatment, and knowing that whether I win or lose this battle, I win. Whomever you believe in, be it my God or yours, or belief in your own soul, go there, hand over the worry and get on with living.

For many people, a Stage IV diagnosis is interpreted as a death sentence. And if you give up and simply accept that the world of medicine is your only recourse for healing, you are wrong. There is so much a person can do to participate and contribute to the healing process. In the chapters of my story, yet to come, I will explore those more fully. For now, be encouraged to know, there is life after Cancer and, at age 60… my life has just begun.

Welcome to my world....a positive place.

Welcome to my blog. Since this is my first attempt to journal my thoughts about being diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer, please bear with me while I learn the ins and outs of this technological tool. More to come as I gather my thoughts and information to post and while I hope this site may eventually be helpful to others who are traveling the same path as I, informative for those looking for an update regarding my personal physical and emotional status, it is for me... a positive way to remind myself that I am blessed each and every day!