Have a Merry Christmas

Next week we are off to spend our first Christmas in the new home of our youngest daughter and family in Oregon. It will also be our first Christmas back since we moved from that beautiful state seven years ago. While we will miss our eldest daughter and family in California, I am looking forward to the trip. What a great way to end a fairly lousy year.... what with diagnosis, treatment, surgery, unemployment and all that goes with, it has been a struggle.  I doubt this struggle will end anytime soon, but the love and support of family and friends lets me know I am not walking this road alone. Thank you all.  This experience has also humbled me in so many ways. Life holds miracles everyday that I never saw nor appreciated before I had cancer.  To my friends, thank you from my heart for having the staying power to remain by my side... I need you and am so grateful to you. For family, I am so blessed it is overwhelming sometimes to feel such love...for prayer groups, I am eternally thankful for your help in sending prayers to our Lord who receives them, considers them, and acts upon them as He has determined is the best course for me to take. Thank you all for being my light at the end of the proverbial dark tunnel.  May your Christmas be warm and lovely and may your new year be blessed with a better circumstance. Be happy, remain healthy and may we all continue to pursue only Positive Pursuits. God Bless.

Life Can Be as Difficult as Death

The assessment I arranged at the Cancer Center of America has been postponed. It is odd but while I am the one living with cancer, I forget that my family lives with it also.  For me, therein lies a problem. I am a superstar when it comes to being a positive force, as are our two daughters, my sister and my father. But the one I have loved for thirty nine years is my pessimist, the man who worries, the man who carries fear in his heart and the man who is not willing to accept that he may have to live the remainder of his life without me. We have experienced an emotional breakdown, not mine, his. Most of that is caused by presumption, not fact.... he was worried sick (literally) that my enthusiasm regarding the Cancer Center assessment was a green light affirming my desire to leap into some treatments they offer that could put me at risk. He felt, that whether we believe the medical providers statement that I have maybe three or four years to live, or not, my beloved would rather have me for those years, feeling good and living pretty normally sans chemotherapy and labs than to risk a procedure that might cure or might kill.  He does not want me to take risks.... yet for me, healing is a leap of faith.... a risk. I assured him I would never consent to a treatment or surgery without weighing those risks and he would have an opportunity to participate in that decision.... so, for now..... I will not rock the boat, for now.  There may, however, come a day when my decision regarding my life does not conform to his and when that day comes.... God help us please.  I do not wish to hurt my husband or family, I do not wish to die in three years nor will I even remotely visit that edict, yet I will not go kicking when it's face becomes inevitable as I have faith that the Lord's decision is a good one.  But I will do what I have to do to stay positive, I cannot live with a negative force even if I love him. So he is going to have to change. For all that I love  him, my life does not depend on him.... it is enhanced by him.  Why does his life depend on me? This is a burden I had hoped to avoid... I do not need the guilt and I cannot go there. I remain open to seeking information that may benefit my condition, I am a seeker of a cure even if there is not one evident today, I am a believer in the power of God. I will survive this through only Positive Pursuits and by the Grace of God.

Always Looking

It has been nearly two months that I have been off chemotherapy. Not because I am cured, just needed some time to be normal and allow my body to gear up for the next year of chemo treatments. It is disconcerning sometimes that I will be on chemo drugs forever, unless something miraculous occurs, but I am willing to accept that for now.

My daughters, however, are not. They are constantly seeking treatment options, alternative treatments, cures, etc..... so, with their prompt, I am scheduled for an in depth assessment via the Cancer Center of America. I will meet with this facility on Tuesday, Dec. 7th to start the 4-6 day assessment. I am open minded about the whole thing. The center is supposed to be geared to developing treatment that is unique to me... and frankly, I have been looking for that sense of personalization for some time.

So wish me luck. If they offer something more in the way of treatment besides pallative care, my husband and I will move to the west side of Phoenix to be closer. If not, we will move anyway due to economics, but remain on the east side which has been our preference. We shall see.

In the meantime, I feel great, look great, and am actively seeking part time employment to not just supplement a miserable income situation but to gain some sanity in my life. While I enjoy being home with my retired (not by choice) husband, after 39 years together...... we are getting on each others' nerves with the whole "see you 24/7 thing".  I need to get my life back.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday this year. I cherish every holiday now, in fact, I cherish every day!  Enjoy, be grateful for all you have and share the spirit with others.

Be healthy, be happy and seek only Positive Pursuits now and in the New Year.  May it be a good year. =:)