I Was Good

You know, the dumbest things can just jump up and ruin a day! Going to chemo is never a fun day, albeit necessary. My husband and I, being eternally unemployed and on the tightest of budgets no longer go out to eat ever. However, to compensate for chemo, every two weeks my husband goes out and grabs our favorite burger and brings it in to the clinic where I sit getting rat poison into my veins and we do lunch! Yesterday was the same, but the difference, I got a tainted burger and by the time I left the clinic, I felt pretty rotten. Half way home, I knew why and hence vomited all the way home...thank God for the half empty kleenex box in the car.... I hate to pull over in public for such a thing! All other orifices got clobbered by the time I got home.  I took meds to alleviate the nausea and the other end.....only to throw them up as well. Ugh     After a two hour nap, and jello for dinner, I survived and today feel just fine.  So much for the fast food treat.......... from now on it is Subway fresh or take home lunch. As if chemo was not enough....don't need this added aggravation! Still in good shape mentally.... Stay well, be happy and seek only positive pursuits...and watch that fast food urge, it can get you.

I’m Am Good

Hi there. This is my daily ritual; I look at myself in the mirror and say: “today, I am okay”.

I am over the whole foreboding thing about not living, hell; I plan to live everyday as if it were my last. This should make for a grand ending to this book of my life and I look forward to making the book a trilogy…. I cannot complain. I feel fine except for six or seven days a month with minor side effects so far. I feel blessed for that. I have contingency plans in the event that gets worse and/or intolerable, but for now, I am good.


While I am done being weepy over the lack of medical treatment options, I still cry a lot but in a humble way. It never fails to crack my stoic wall as to receive a call, card or email from friends and family who wish me well or send thoughts of prayer. When I receive those, I am touched beyond comprehension hence tears of gratitude just well up and flow.

When you know that death will come sooner than later and you know how you will die (if you avoid the proverbial bus while on the journey), you sort of feel insignificant. I believe, for me, it is because I am no longer contributing to society, I am no longer the caregiver. For awhile, I sort of felt I ceased to be…. except to my husband and family who have pampered me like some sort of goddess, which I am not but for which I am thankful and to know that so many people care, so many pray, so many just think of me is a reminder that I am not insignificant, I am not a speck, I am so loved and it takes my breath away.

Right now, phone calls from my grandchildren are a delight even if comprehending the zeal of a two year old, the one word elaborations of a four year old and the whimsical lightening speed but very grown up chat from our six year old is a challenge sometimes. I look forward to the arrival of our daughters and their husbands and four fabulous grandchildren arriving for the Labor Day weekend. It will be a glorious zoo and I cannot wait to hold them all in my arms.

I thank God, every day for my family as they are my light, my reason to live, my legacy. And I thank God for so many friends and relatives who are the very foundation upon which I am supported. I thank God for the life I have lived and accept each day I receive as His gift to me, a miraculous one. Science may be a dead end right now, but Faith is not. I will hold on to that. Be well, be happy and try to live each day as if there is no tomorrow. :)

Someone stole the pot at the end of my rainbow...

When I received my stage IV Colon Cancer diagnosis in January of this year, I did not cry. Like a new job, I was faced with the challenge of identifying goals and options and pursuing them with a vengeance. When I resumed chemotherapy last week after three months off to have surgery, I cried. For the first time, all options have been yanked out from under me and I have nothing, sans faith, to pursue.

What that means is I will have chemotherapy for as long as it works or as long as I live as palliative care, offered to keep the cancer under control. If chemo stops working somewhere along the way, I am done medically. The liver tumors were treatable but now I have lesions, spiderweb-liked entities that prevent curative treatment. They will no go away and are not accessible via radiation techniques. Options for clinical trials (drug testing) are pretty rare for colon cancer as it is one of the few slow growing cancers that are curable when caught early. Hence, there is less sense of urgency to develop new drugs here.
I am not afraid to die, thank God, but I am angry that now that options have been removed, I have no choice but to pray and wait. On a family level, I have an opportunity to perhaps write something to my grandchildren that they may have a few words from grandma on those events in their lives that I will miss. I can try to see them more often, not an easy task when unemployed and raped by the medical insurance world.
So drat....now my priorities change once again...personal decisions need to be made, and while I have hope, it is not solid, it is iffy, it is unseen, it is not tangible...but I will try to grasp it as best I can. No regrets, life have been good overall. Cherish your life no matter how troublesome, love totally, forgive always, be well, be happy and seek only positive pursuits.

EAT ORGANIC

Bear With Me

I hope the jokes do not offend anyone....I can only say that humor helps to lessen depression when one looks at the total picture of having Cancer. I mean no disrespect to Alzheimer patients in the previous post.
I am three days out from beginning chemotherapy again....I am not looking forward to getting back into the routine of treatment and the dark days that follow. Sigh! If I had a choice, I would choose a different path, dig ditches, become a short order cook, plant a tree in the AZ heat... but I have no choice but to put my head up, shoulders back, breathe deep and move forward. So, I will. Sure there are days when I am tired of this, however without having taken the steps I have taken; I would have bid you all goodbye by end of year. Not going there. As long as options exist, I will opt. It would be a slap in the face to you, my constant supporters and my family and me to do otherwise. Next steps are chemo, then investigating Radiation Oncology to specifically target the remaining tumors on the liver, hoping to eradicate them in one fell swoop. There is much investigating and weighing of consequences before we do that, but we will be diligent in that pursuit. Surgical wounds are healing slowly, either from a lousy immune system, being Diabetic, old age or ???? which is annoying but tolerable? And for those of you who wish your spouse would not let you lift a finger to do a damn thing, not a good wish....makes for an unbearably boring existence. I long for the day I can vacuum, pull a weed, clean the pool or wash the car without causing my husband distress. I have gained back 8 pounds since surgery. Mostly because I am reveling in the ability to eat whatever I want within Diabetic reason knowing full well this option will dissipate once we begin chemo again which leaves me unable to eat much for six days out of every month. That is okay, I still have room for weight loss despite the fact that I wish I could afford to go to a gym and firm up what is left! lol

Thanks for your patience regarding this blog. I choose less over more in order to avoid whining on a regular basis...so bear with my occasional updates. Perhaps the next will be more upbeat as I will get new baseline PET scan results today to see if we are status quo after a three month sabbatical from chemo treatments. :) Hope your summer included some fun family outings. Keep an eye on your diet: be sensible and organic when possible and remember " It is never so bad that it could be worse"... be healthy, be happy and follow only Positive Pursuits. Hugs

BAD NEWS AND WORSE NEWS

A friend of mine felt unwell for months, so he decided to see his doctor. The doctor examined him and referred him to the hospital to see various specialists. After a couple of weeks, all the test results came through, so my friend returned to see his doctor.

"I'm very sorry", said the doctor. "I'm afraid I have bad news and worse news."

"Tell me the worst."

"I'll be honest, you have cancer, you'll be dead in three months."

"Shit! " said my friend. "What on earth is the bad news?"

"You also have Alzheimer's Disease."

"Alzheimer's? Oh well, at least I don't have cancer."

                 **** Sometimes you just have to laugh outloud in order to remain sane!