Meltdowns Occur

To admit to a meltdown is a sign of weakness to me, so I generally avoid them at all cost. However I acknowledge that even the most positive people have fears, guilt, anger etc and we tend to dump all that in a jar and push it the backshelf of the pantry. Every now and then, the jar gets a nudge and it slips over the edge and crashed to the floor where it breaks into a thousand pieces. It can happen for no good reason, no bad news received, it just happens and when the jar breaks you are engulfed with all those emotions you try to hide. My jar broke yesterday, I had no reason to feel down or overwhelmed but suddently I felt guild for having Cancer which controls my life and my families. I felt guilty over having ruined the retirement years for my husband, for intruding into the lives of my children who have families of their own, for being a worry to my elderly father and sister (not so elderly xoxoxo) and for not living up to my Positive self for my supportive friends. I felt the need to be alone, to go through this alone, to get a divorce or separation, to not be a burden to others. I cried uncontrollably the whole damn day and during the night my life passed before me keeping awake till 4:00am. It was debilitating to go through and although saddened by it, shared with my eldest daughter who called at the wrong moment... or perhaps the right moment.  After the storm settled, I realized that all that I wanted was totally wrong.... the worst thing a cancer patient can do is retreat into isolation. I can not, nor will not do that even if my heart breaks at the impact this disease has on so many others in my life. My daughter reminded me that if my husband or anyone did not wish to support me through this crappy road, they were and are free to leave.... they have not and I thank God. So, please note my friends that while generally positive and very much proactive during this journey, I too am humbly human and I break now  and then.   This will pass, feeling better already, and ready to continue the new weed killer regime which is tolerable to far. Thank you all for being there, I do not deserve you.

Happy Mothers Day

Today is beautiful and I wish all you mothers out there a wonderful day. I am so blessed to have two beautiful and successful daughters, who are mothers themselves, who love and support me through this tough road without thoughts of anything except my health and comfort. That you God for blessing me so. 

On another note, my previous post queried a friend to contact me since I lost her phone number. As is the norm, as soon as you claim defeat in finding something, it turns up... so I have the number found in a most conspicuous place. I wonder sometimes if my brain is adversely affect by chemo.... I forget so much anymore.

This new chemo cocktail received over a week ago, is okay I think. The first seven days were miserable with nausea and I have had some discussion with a medical friend who suggests I get a card for legal medical marijuana... to bake into cookies or ? which, according to many, will relieve the nausea. I intend to inquire this coming Thursday when I go in for my second treatment of this series.  The good news is neuropathy is gone, except for that portion which is irreversable, and I look forward to using our pool this summer when temps exceed 110.  I have not lost my hair yet, but keep looking in the shower for signs... lol    and the diarrhea never came as expected this time. So all and all, I am doing pretty good. On day 8 I felt quite normal.

I continue to count my blessings daily for supportive and fabulous friends, loving and wonderful family and a husband who should not have to spend his final years dealing with my crap.... I wish I could change that, but cannot.  I got a "juicer" for mom's day which is to lead me on a healthier path of food intake and may help when I just cannot eat solids. I look forward to learning how to use it. I also received books, and I love to read and a blingy watch which satisfies my desire for something personal since shopping is and has been out of budget for a couple years now. Thank you girls.... and loving roses from my hubby who knows I love fresh flowers especially here in the desert. Thank you all. And remember, to seek only positive pursuits.... it is good for you. Blessings

First leap

Hi, first leap over the provervial log in the road went pretty well. I expected all kinds of new symptoms or side effects and except for a week of mild nausea, it was not bad. We shall see what comes as we plow on with the new chemicals. While this is usually a blog about my journey or information that may be of use, forgive me for making this personal. I need to contact one of my commentors, Therese and I cannot locate her phone number. So, Therese, is you are looking this way, send your number to my email at deborahereth@yahoo.com. Thanks to all of you and your endless support. I could not leap the log nor traverse this road without your support. I am eternally grateful. Thank you.