Someone stole the pot at the end of my rainbow...

When I received my stage IV Colon Cancer diagnosis in January of this year, I did not cry. Like a new job, I was faced with the challenge of identifying goals and options and pursuing them with a vengeance. When I resumed chemotherapy last week after three months off to have surgery, I cried. For the first time, all options have been yanked out from under me and I have nothing, sans faith, to pursue.

What that means is I will have chemotherapy for as long as it works or as long as I live as palliative care, offered to keep the cancer under control. If chemo stops working somewhere along the way, I am done medically. The liver tumors were treatable but now I have lesions, spiderweb-liked entities that prevent curative treatment. They will no go away and are not accessible via radiation techniques. Options for clinical trials (drug testing) are pretty rare for colon cancer as it is one of the few slow growing cancers that are curable when caught early. Hence, there is less sense of urgency to develop new drugs here.
I am not afraid to die, thank God, but I am angry that now that options have been removed, I have no choice but to pray and wait. On a family level, I have an opportunity to perhaps write something to my grandchildren that they may have a few words from grandma on those events in their lives that I will miss. I can try to see them more often, not an easy task when unemployed and raped by the medical insurance world.
So drat....now my priorities change once again...personal decisions need to be made, and while I have hope, it is not solid, it is iffy, it is unseen, it is not tangible...but I will try to grasp it as best I can. No regrets, life have been good overall. Cherish your life no matter how troublesome, love totally, forgive always, be well, be happy and seek only positive pursuits.