The Cycle Continues

I am coming out of my chemotherapy funk for the week. Been sick for three days and have a couple more to go. I get tired of this path as it is the only one open to me right now, but I remain hopeful that someday this will be gone.  I have lost my hair, almost.... a tough, prideful thing for a woman who has always loved her own hair. I am so thin you  can see my scalp and when Iook in the mirrow I see a woman who is eighty, not sixty-two... a big difference to me.  It is bad enought to face death in the face but I need to do that with a decent face... hence hair. So, I got a wig, one that looks much the same as when I was forty... I like it and I have a shorter, lighter one coming thanks to a friend I did not know I had.  I would not have  pushed forward but the Cancer society offered the long one free and who can pass up free when you are on a limited income. :)  So, now I feel better about the hair and should feel better healthwise in a few days. Stay well my friends, treat your hair with love, and seek only positive pursuits. Love Ya

In Memory of a Great Man

Today I lost the first man I fell in love with, the first man I wished to marry, the man who taught me the value of integrity in the workplace, in the home, in life, and in my heart. A compassionate man whose capacity for love soared above all else. He taught me to fish, camp, drive a car, shoot a gun, value education, work ethically, have compassion for my fellow man, build strong relationships, honor marriage, love my children above all else and fight for what I believe in. He was always there for me in times of need and his strength in life will now be mine. I will honor his memory forever and the memory of my mother and brother who all sit at the hand of God, in peace. Thank you God for the gift of such parents, I am proud to be who I am today because of them and look forward to joining them when my time comes to pass. Today, my heart is broken.........................   Rest in Peace Dad

A NEW DAY A NEW LIFE

Well, the meltdown has passed and everyone close to me says it is ok to have one now and then, just get over it. I am over it.
It is 105 today in the Phoenix area and that means hot, hot, hot and drink a lot of water. I have discovered and been advised to seek to correct my bodies PH balance to boost my immune system and open the reception of good antioxidants and minerals etc. For those in our area, Sprouts markets carry three or four options to do just that. Not a bad idea for all of you healthy folks. Today we are so susceptible to germs and bacteria everywhere we go and people are sick a lot, thanks to kids in school, shopping, work environments. There are drops to put into water we drink or water based drinks and pills to amend the acidity of our bodies. I chose the pills as it is easier to take a long with other meds and not have to carry drops in my purse. I depend on an immune system to hep fight the cancer cells in my body, tumors etc. so look forward to helping out anyway I can. This product is not terribly expensive and worth looking into. There are also test strips so you will know if it is working. Sounds like what we do to keep pools fresh and clean only this is for the body.... think about it. We are listing our home despite a lousy market and heading out to be closer to one of our children. Where we land depends on what we can purchase in order to have a decent rest of our lives and put me close to chemotherapy treatments and potential clinical trials. This move will be hard at our age and condition but we can do it. :) I continue to be as organic as possible with menu's and remain as Positive as I can.... I am going to beat this no matter how hard or how long it takes but I refuse to give in to this disease. Stay well, correct your PH and live long my friends. Never take a day for granted and seek only Positive Pursuits. Love you all.

Meltdowns Occur

To admit to a meltdown is a sign of weakness to me, so I generally avoid them at all cost. However I acknowledge that even the most positive people have fears, guilt, anger etc and we tend to dump all that in a jar and push it the backshelf of the pantry. Every now and then, the jar gets a nudge and it slips over the edge and crashed to the floor where it breaks into a thousand pieces. It can happen for no good reason, no bad news received, it just happens and when the jar breaks you are engulfed with all those emotions you try to hide. My jar broke yesterday, I had no reason to feel down or overwhelmed but suddently I felt guild for having Cancer which controls my life and my families. I felt guilty over having ruined the retirement years for my husband, for intruding into the lives of my children who have families of their own, for being a worry to my elderly father and sister (not so elderly xoxoxo) and for not living up to my Positive self for my supportive friends. I felt the need to be alone, to go through this alone, to get a divorce or separation, to not be a burden to others. I cried uncontrollably the whole damn day and during the night my life passed before me keeping awake till 4:00am. It was debilitating to go through and although saddened by it, shared with my eldest daughter who called at the wrong moment... or perhaps the right moment.  After the storm settled, I realized that all that I wanted was totally wrong.... the worst thing a cancer patient can do is retreat into isolation. I can not, nor will not do that even if my heart breaks at the impact this disease has on so many others in my life. My daughter reminded me that if my husband or anyone did not wish to support me through this crappy road, they were and are free to leave.... they have not and I thank God. So, please note my friends that while generally positive and very much proactive during this journey, I too am humbly human and I break now  and then.   This will pass, feeling better already, and ready to continue the new weed killer regime which is tolerable to far. Thank you all for being there, I do not deserve you.

Happy Mothers Day

Today is beautiful and I wish all you mothers out there a wonderful day. I am so blessed to have two beautiful and successful daughters, who are mothers themselves, who love and support me through this tough road without thoughts of anything except my health and comfort. That you God for blessing me so. 

On another note, my previous post queried a friend to contact me since I lost her phone number. As is the norm, as soon as you claim defeat in finding something, it turns up... so I have the number found in a most conspicuous place. I wonder sometimes if my brain is adversely affect by chemo.... I forget so much anymore.

This new chemo cocktail received over a week ago, is okay I think. The first seven days were miserable with nausea and I have had some discussion with a medical friend who suggests I get a card for legal medical marijuana... to bake into cookies or ? which, according to many, will relieve the nausea. I intend to inquire this coming Thursday when I go in for my second treatment of this series.  The good news is neuropathy is gone, except for that portion which is irreversable, and I look forward to using our pool this summer when temps exceed 110.  I have not lost my hair yet, but keep looking in the shower for signs... lol    and the diarrhea never came as expected this time. So all and all, I am doing pretty good. On day 8 I felt quite normal.

I continue to count my blessings daily for supportive and fabulous friends, loving and wonderful family and a husband who should not have to spend his final years dealing with my crap.... I wish I could change that, but cannot.  I got a "juicer" for mom's day which is to lead me on a healthier path of food intake and may help when I just cannot eat solids. I look forward to learning how to use it. I also received books, and I love to read and a blingy watch which satisfies my desire for something personal since shopping is and has been out of budget for a couple years now. Thank you girls.... and loving roses from my hubby who knows I love fresh flowers especially here in the desert. Thank you all. And remember, to seek only positive pursuits.... it is good for you. Blessings

First leap

Hi, first leap over the provervial log in the road went pretty well. I expected all kinds of new symptoms or side effects and except for a week of mild nausea, it was not bad. We shall see what comes as we plow on with the new chemicals. While this is usually a blog about my journey or information that may be of use, forgive me for making this personal. I need to contact one of my commentors, Therese and I cannot locate her phone number. So, Therese, is you are looking this way, send your number to my email at deborahereth@yahoo.com. Thanks to all of you and your endless support. I could not leap the log nor traverse this road without your support. I am eternally grateful. Thank you.

First log in the road to healing....

Those of us who have cancer try to have positive expectations regarding treatment, however we are all too aware that there will be hurdles, hence my new log in the road. Yesterday I got the result of my most recent PET scan which monitors tumor growth to check on the effectiveness of current chemotherapy treatment. Mine came back pretty bad this time, showing growth in tumors not shrinkage. What this means is this chemo cocktail is no longer working due to my body building up a resistance to the week killer after a year and four months. I have been expecting this log, but it is always a surprise when you come upon it. Now, I shall cross over this impediment and move on. I am on a new chemical cocktail which at its best should keep this at bay another year or two. At this time there is one more regime available when this new one stops working then it is off to clinical trials if any available and adopting the life of a Guinea pig... We will address all these issues as they come. I have also developed a colon hernia at the point of surgery. It is apparently not dangerous but I must curtail lifting anything heaving from now on to avoid pressure there. After a weekend of lifting grandkids, no wonder.... I find it so hard to stop doing normal things... I do not want my life impacted that way, I need to remain active. Perhaps one of those tool belts for guys who lift all the time would help when I see the grandkids. We shall see. While disappointed treatment has met an impasse, I am resolved to adopt whatever lies ahead in the hopes of prolonging my life and maintaining some quality thereof.  On a happy note, I befriended someone at the cancer center yesterday who was experiencing her first day of chemo. She was fraught with fears and I counseled her for over an hour. I also answered many questions about my own health with an elderly patient for some time. Later a woman sat next to me and said I was the most inspirational speaker she had ever eavesddopped.  It made me feel so good that I can pass on a positive attitude to others. Something we all can benefit from in our lives at home or at work. I remain positive and hopeful that all of you folks, healthy or not, take a long look at lifestyle and start protecting and prolonging your life now. Love to all and seek only Positive Pursuits.