Meltdowns Occur

To admit to a meltdown is a sign of weakness to me, so I generally avoid them at all cost. However I acknowledge that even the most positive people have fears, guilt, anger etc and we tend to dump all that in a jar and push it the backshelf of the pantry. Every now and then, the jar gets a nudge and it slips over the edge and crashed to the floor where it breaks into a thousand pieces. It can happen for no good reason, no bad news received, it just happens and when the jar breaks you are engulfed with all those emotions you try to hide. My jar broke yesterday, I had no reason to feel down or overwhelmed but suddently I felt guild for having Cancer which controls my life and my families. I felt guilty over having ruined the retirement years for my husband, for intruding into the lives of my children who have families of their own, for being a worry to my elderly father and sister (not so elderly xoxoxo) and for not living up to my Positive self for my supportive friends. I felt the need to be alone, to go through this alone, to get a divorce or separation, to not be a burden to others. I cried uncontrollably the whole damn day and during the night my life passed before me keeping awake till 4:00am. It was debilitating to go through and although saddened by it, shared with my eldest daughter who called at the wrong moment... or perhaps the right moment.  After the storm settled, I realized that all that I wanted was totally wrong.... the worst thing a cancer patient can do is retreat into isolation. I can not, nor will not do that even if my heart breaks at the impact this disease has on so many others in my life. My daughter reminded me that if my husband or anyone did not wish to support me through this crappy road, they were and are free to leave.... they have not and I thank God. So, please note my friends that while generally positive and very much proactive during this journey, I too am humbly human and I break now  and then.   This will pass, feeling better already, and ready to continue the new weed killer regime which is tolerable to far. Thank you all for being there, I do not deserve you.