In Memory

Today, I  learned my cousin Melody was found dead in her sleep at home. While we had not been close for some years, we were connected as our family is small and communication existed for one reason or another. I have great memories of a childhood growing up with Melody, memories never forgotten even amid occasional family drama's.  We recently connected over deaths of a parent on both sides and had plans to reconnect in person soon. I am in shock.  She was my age and I, being the one with cancer, have adjusted to my expectations of longevity, however short or long. I know what I can expect, I know what I can fight for, I also know my life is in the hands of God... I can help, but I do not get to decide.  Melody's death is an abrupt reminder that we are fragile, even in the best of health, we can succumb to our bodies quirks. We can die of accident, we can die with some expectation, or we can just die with no warning at all.  It is a reminder to quit procratinating... do the things we want if we can without hesitation for in that hesitant moment our opportunity may be lost. While I have no fear of dying, with terminal cancer one comes to grip with that, having faith helps with that, but this kind of news makes me know I am as vunerable as the next person.... my next and most urgent task.... write.   I tell my husband, children, sister and friends how grateful I am to have them in my life. I tell my immediate family I love them deeply  but I do not elaborate. Tomorrow I shall write to all and save to my hard drive where my children know where to look in the event of my death. I need them to all know how special they are, how they have enriched my life, what my hopes and dreams are for each and I need to do this now. Yes, I do this in person, but writing brings such clarity to my feelings I need fulfill that need. A written legacy if you will, a means of support for them when I am gone, a reminder that I am blessed with such love from each of them, I cannot describe.  It is a precaution, just in case. xoxoxo