Life Can Be as Difficult as Death

The assessment I arranged at the Cancer Center of America has been postponed. It is odd but while I am the one living with cancer, I forget that my family lives with it also.  For me, therein lies a problem. I am a superstar when it comes to being a positive force, as are our two daughters, my sister and my father. But the one I have loved for thirty nine years is my pessimist, the man who worries, the man who carries fear in his heart and the man who is not willing to accept that he may have to live the remainder of his life without me. We have experienced an emotional breakdown, not mine, his. Most of that is caused by presumption, not fact.... he was worried sick (literally) that my enthusiasm regarding the Cancer Center assessment was a green light affirming my desire to leap into some treatments they offer that could put me at risk. He felt, that whether we believe the medical providers statement that I have maybe three or four years to live, or not, my beloved would rather have me for those years, feeling good and living pretty normally sans chemotherapy and labs than to risk a procedure that might cure or might kill.  He does not want me to take risks.... yet for me, healing is a leap of faith.... a risk. I assured him I would never consent to a treatment or surgery without weighing those risks and he would have an opportunity to participate in that decision.... so, for now..... I will not rock the boat, for now.  There may, however, come a day when my decision regarding my life does not conform to his and when that day comes.... God help us please.  I do not wish to hurt my husband or family, I do not wish to die in three years nor will I even remotely visit that edict, yet I will not go kicking when it's face becomes inevitable as I have faith that the Lord's decision is a good one.  But I will do what I have to do to stay positive, I cannot live with a negative force even if I love him. So he is going to have to change. For all that I love  him, my life does not depend on him.... it is enhanced by him.  Why does his life depend on me? This is a burden I had hoped to avoid... I do not need the guilt and I cannot go there. I remain open to seeking information that may benefit my condition, I am a seeker of a cure even if there is not one evident today, I am a believer in the power of God. I will survive this through only Positive Pursuits and by the Grace of God.